expectations are a bunch of bull poop.

i know everyone has their own rants on this topic but chose not to put it up publicly. as for myself, i cant afford saying my rants out loud so i put it out for the public to see. dont get me wrong i like privacy as much as everybody else but i also like letting my emotions out. what a better way of letting it all out by ranting about it in a blog right? [proof that i'm a better writer than speaker]. i'd rather write essays than speak in public... anyway, on with the rants.

let me start by giving everyone a little background on this rant... one of the most amazing facts about myself is that i'm the first born of the first born of the first born of the first born in my maternal family [my mother's mother's mom, my mother's mom, my mom, and i are all first borns]. aint that just peachy? rather cool right? WRONG! as the eldest of the maternal clan, i was expected to have a high class behavior: educated, well mannered, self sufficient, proper, law abiding, everything that a person living a high class life would be [minus the cockiness and snottiness of course]. dont get me wrong, all these are essential if you want to gain the respect of other people. thus i was brought up to be as perfect as i can be... but of course, nobody is perfect. and no matter how hard you try, you cannot be perfect. perfection is not of the human race, its of GOD's.

anyway, so all those expectations have been such a bug ever since my arrival in this country. maybe even before but not as bad. during my high school years, the expectations took up another level. for me it was ok that my parents expected me to get high grades since there wasnt any challenge in the high school i went to. but i like challenges and thus i found a way to challenge myself by trying to balance school, family, friends, and a boyfriend. pretty easy if you're not that serious about one of them... but it gets fucked up when something goes wrong. of course as the eldest/first born in my family, i was expected to set a good example to my younger siblings and younger cousins. so the boyfriend situation was kept secret or until some blabber mouth reveals this secret. of course the parents found out and they put on more weight on their expectations. of course this set-up was never cut out for me so i kept it up.

this goes on until recently. they still dont know what it would mean to me if they let me live my life the way i want to but for now, i'm living it their way with a dash of MY WAY. they always put me into a situation where i would feel bad about myself because i'm taking long in graduating from college. the plan was that i'm supposed to graduate next year and work right away. but things are not working out the way they planned it so they pressure me into rushing everything. well here's a news flash for them... I CANT RUSH IT! IF YOU PUSH ME INTO TAKING MORE THAN WHAT IS REQUIRED PER QUARTER [12 units/quarter], I'D LITERALLY FAIL EVERY SINGLE CLASS I PLAN TO TAKE JUST FOR RUSHING IT! and then again... they have counterarguments on this. it would involve myself and the well being of my emotional life... and the argument would look something like this....

MY ELDERS' MAIN ARGUMENT: i cant handle having a serious boyfriend and being serious in my studies... having a boyfriend would hinder my ability to concentrate more on my studies. and that's why i'm failing my classes. MY MAIN ARGUMENT: i am who i was brought up to be. somebody who can handle the hardships in life as long as there's someone there for moral support. I CANT HANDLE WHAT YOU'RE FORCING ME TO DO BECAUSE EVEN IF I DO IT, YOU WOULD GET MAD AT ME FOR "NOT GIVING IT MY FULL PERFORMANCE" EVEN THOUGH I AM. THERE IS JUST NO MORAL SUPPORT EITHER WAY. SO WHY SHOULD I DO IT YOUR WAY? i am my own person and i am the only one who knows what i can handle and what i cant. I DONT NEED ANYBODY ELSE TELLING ME THAT! and news flash, a serious relationship cant ruin my education it even gets me motivated to do better on the classes i chose to take because i feel like i'm being challenged to give it my full performance! WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU THINK THAT I CANT HANDLE? I'VE TRAINED MYSELF TO HANDLE IMBALANCES IN MY LIFE AND SO FAR, I'VE MANAGED TO PUT IN 100% INTO EVERYTHING. IF I FAIL MY CLASSES, ITS BECAUSE I DONT UNDERSTAND THE MATERIAL NO MATTER HOW MUCH I STUDY IT AND NOT BECAUSE I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. i've trained myself to be strong. i numbed myself up just so when i'm faced by the inevitable, the impact wouldnt be as strong as it would be.

dont get me wrong, i appreciate everything you've done for me. i love you for worrying about me, for disciplining me, for raising me into the lady i am now, for tending to my every need. but you also have to learn to let me go little by little. you've raised me well and you know that. its time to let me live my life my own way, in my own terms, in my own time. you've always expected great things from me and to tell you the truth, the pressure is killing me. its driving me insane. the only thing that's keeping me alive and my sanity intact is my love for everyone around me. i've tried, and i am giving it my everything... is it not good enough for you? or do you really want me to lose it kill myself out of depression just to prove to you that i've been giving it my everything? its suffocating really... and to be honest, i want to stop living to your expectations... but i cant do anything about it... ok i lied, i can do something about it... but i choose not to out of love and respect that i still have for you. i hope you hear me out. I'M TIRED.

ADIOS.

"truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. it means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood." - perfect quote to tell them. as far as i'm concerned, this stands true to my beliefs.